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  • Kelly M. Hudson

Blood Farmers Attack!

Beware! In upstate New York, there exists a clan of Druids called “Sangroids” who are kidnapping people, draining them of their blood, and using the crimson liquid to try and resurrect their dead Queen! And that right there is the plot of the fantastic Video Nasty that danced before my eyes the other night. Oh, sure, there’s lots of subplots going on, and lots of devious behavior, but when it comes down to it, this is the main story. There’s tons of shots of blood that looks like bright red paint (I’m just gonna defend this by saying that the Druids do something to the blood that “changes” it and this causes the blood to not look real anymore—it has nothing to do with the shoddy budget, not at all) drenching the victims. There’s a blood expert in town whose daughter is being courted by one of the all-time biggest nerds in cinema history (who also happens to be a fellow studier of human blood). The guy looks like a cross between a blonde Tucker Carlson and the main kid from Night of the Creeps. He’s big and awkward and kind of endearing. In the end, the cult kidnap the blood expert’s daughter, figuring that she is the final ingredient in raising their dead queen (listen, it’s all a bunch of gobelty-gook: talk of keys and sanguine and other rubbish) and the Nerd has to save her. He does so by awkwardly fighting the Druids and stabbing the resurrected Queen with something called “Re-Agent” (sound familiar?) that counteracts all that special blood flowing through her veins. Somehow, this magically kills her followers, too. The girl is saved, the old blood doctor is fine, the Nerd is the hero, and somehow the dog that was killed earlier is resurrected. I dunno. Just go with it.

The poor budget really shows in this one but that’s okay; it’s part of the charm. The actors are almost all uniformly amateurs (and that’s being nice), and the editing is atrocious. You get some shots that are day for night that are obviously daytime mixed in with shots that are so dark you can’t see. This whole thing feels like a weekend beer party, where one guy says “I can make a better scary movie than Hollywood!” And his friends all decide to come along. Rumor has it that the director paid everyone in six-packs of beer. I want to believe this is true. The film plays like one of those Grade Z films from the 1950’s with a swaggering Ed Wood veneer. And like a good Ed Wood movie, the joy is there. You can tell these people really tried and were having fun. Sure, it’s ludicrous and outrageous. Yeah, it’s pretty funny in its ineptness. But somehow it got on the British Video Nasties list (probably for the outrageous title, or maybe for the obvious dyed silver hair on the titular farmers who act about as redneck as Tor Johnson) so it has that going for it.

This is a good one to watch with a group of friends. Get a pizza, some hot wings, a six pack of really cheap beer, and have some fun. Films like this are the reason I love movies so much.

Three Stars out of Four

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