Lance Stargrove (John Stamos) is a gymnast at a university, trying to make his way through the academic rigors of life growing up estranged from his father, when he gets word that his dad, Drew Stargrove (George Lazenby) has died in a car accident. In reality, Drew was a secret agent of the government and was betrayed by one of his own men. Lance discovers his father owned a farm way out in the middle of nowhere, so he goes there to check it out, only to find the mysterious hottie that was at Pop’s funeral is living there. Her name is Danja (Vanity) and she turns out to be a professional partner of his dead father. Danja explains to Lance who his father really was and who she thinks was behind his murder. Together they team up to take on (and I shit you not) the hermaphroditic bad guy Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons) and his gang of Road Warrior rejects. Can Lance and Danja get revenge for the death of Drew and stop Ragnar from pulling off a horrific terrorist attack?
Only in the 80s can a movie like Never Too Young To Die not only exist, but be allowed to take itself seriously. This is a cartoon adventure, where a teen can suddenly become a superspy and fight the forces of evil, if these forces of evil dress like barbarian warriors from Conan after they got smacked around by Mad Max. Full of jocular, breezy action, none of which is outstanding or really feels threatening, the story just carries on in its own mad, dizzying way, ushering us to a climactic battle atop a dam between ranting Ragnar and leaping Lance. Simmons chews all the scenery he can find, and I’ll give him credit for whole-heartedly throwing himself into the role. Now, is the role highly offensive? Yeah, you could say that. I don’t think their intentions came from a bad place (I think they were just trying to be “weird” and “edgy” and mix that with the cross-dressing Hair Metal style of the day) but that’s not to excuse them for it. Fortunately, Simmons is so manic he comes across more like a deranged Dr. Frank-N-Furter and not as an intended insult to an entire community. If you can roll with this, you can have a lot of fun. If you can’t, well, it’s totally understandable. Stamos does his part as the straight man, dumped into a cartoonish world with only his gymnastic skills to save him, and Vanity is as gorgeous as ever and twice as deadly. It’s hard to take her serious when she’s delivering tough-guy dialogue (she’s too soft in appearance for that) but it is outrageously entertaining.
This one is pure 80s insanity, with lots of neon, lots of dust, lots of muscle guys and dirt bikes (Lost Boys stole a lot of their aesthetic from this flick). As outrageous as it is, as unbelievable as it is, the movie never once slows down and never once fails to entertain. And that’s Rule Number One around here: does it entertain? This one most certainly does. Despite all its faults, it delivers big-time in the most important aspect of all. Wild, outrageous, offensive, packed with lots of pretty faces, you really can’t ask much more from an exploitation flick.
★★★✮